half way to my goal!!!!!!!!!

so since i've started dieting to now i've lost 25 pounds.
started at about 242-ish. and now i'm 215.:) my goal is 190 lbs.
almost there wooh go me!

a girl

a girl of the sweetest sort
enters my home, accesses my life
puts her trust in me
gives me her love , her word
i love this girl, my one, my only, forever
or was this just another dream?
a hopeless dream of a broken man
held together by the thinest of thread
as soon as i look away
she breakks me from inside oout
my heart was the first to go
shattered and stepped on
what have i done to deserve this
she disreguards my questions and walks out the door
i am desperate i need this girl
she used me, i feel betrayed
all i do now is think of what could have been
i am alone... cold... and lost in life
i am broken worse than ever...
and this time i don't think someone will fix me
i miss her

yuckie

So, i made a really stupid mistake a few months back...
Shoplifting
dumb right?
well i thought i got out of it clean and clear... NOT SO MUCH!!!!!!!!

i have to attend a peer court... crappy i know!
my punishment will probably take classes for what i did
i deserve it i know... but it won't stop me from whining:)
you know me

ciao

Death comes to those

right back, here it comes, watch on the shore
dead black, broken down, like blood on the floor
we sink the ship, break it down break it down

ride against us like you did it before (break it down)
come against us like your wanting some more (break it down)
too long we have ridden the waves of your blasphemous mouth
we beat you down when you spit out your words
why won't you just spit out your pride
because then your pain would subside

your face is bloody and your soul is wet
from the tears that you cry
we sit, we wait, till your defences are down
your so sick you've got to sleep now
your broken, so broken

if you give up now we would spare you
but if you fight back (fight back)
we'll kill you
death is on the hunt... and you sit waiting..

ever since

ever since the day i was made
i been sayin' sorry for the things i have done
i create a new way to do what you do
you look at me like i am scum
you beat down my self esteem
you've broken my pride
i've come up with something new
but i'll keep it inside till it because i'm afraid of how you will see me
i don't need the pain
the looks you give me tear me limp from limb
imagine how i feel when you speak against me
i've let you do this far too long
i'm not sorry that i'm different
i'm not sorry that my ways are better
no longer am i in your controll
no longer will i let you abuse me
being alone would be better than this
see the scorn in my eyes
and know this is real

How much longer?

how much more can you possibly take
how many battles can you lose in one day
who is the source of all your pain
how much longer, how much more
how long till you gain some self respect
for once will you just stand up, buck up, and fight
get up, destroy everything that holds you down
every burden, every sign of stress, tear it down
destroy the notions of who you are
look at all your beleifs
down, down, down
tear them down

so i found some old poetry

Went through a few spiral binders in my room and found them. They brought back good memorys so here ya go:)

Sweet, Soft, Beautiful, and Mine:))

sweet, so sweet, are the taste of her lips.

soft, so soft, are the tips of her fingers.

beautiful, so beautiful, are the colors of her eyes.

sweetly, so sweetly, i call out her name.

softly, so softly, i kiss her forehead when she sleeps.

beautiful, so beautiful, are the thoughts in my mind.

mine, oh mine, i can't believe she is mine.

cleaning out my closet

After days of getting rid of my pain, struggles, and problems
after completely making myself feel better
i took a look in yours... i'm not sure why...
maybe i thought i could help you be better...
feel better because i can see the pain you've been hiding lately..
i open the door and fall back suprised by all the things i recognized
all the things i thought i'd solved the things ive felt so good about lately
i found them in your heart..
after a few moments of looking around in shock it hit me
i havn't done anything to myself to make things better
you have
you tucked your own problems away just to make room for mine
you've filled your life with my problems and asked nothing in return from me
your so amazing and i promise to one day return the favor,
i give my all to you.
(written about nobody... because nobody did it... so don't ask)

In time of need

so in my time of need...
when i really...
really just need... you
when my heart has sunk down so far..so deep...
even i don't know how to feel it..
staring into my empty needy eyes
you say to me
you know how to make it come back
you know how to bring me back from this slumber of depression
i place my heart my soul my mind into your hands
but when i look for you...
when i reach for you to restore my happyness...
you reach for him....
so yet again here i am in this darkened room
i gave you my heart and now you've left
i thought i couldn't get worse then not feeling it inside me...
but now in my mind i know its not even there... it was stolen.

abandoned

In a room of glass shattering silence,
with my shadow I stand alone.
Abandoned, left behind, thrown away,
like a dog with a rotten bone.
Surrounded by darkness of the unknown,
fear seeping through my soul.
My mind falling prey to tricks of the dark,
it's seduction taking a murderous toll.
Calling out for you time after time,
the results still the same.
Nothing but a distant echo,
making a mockery of your name.
Now engulfed in a sea of despair,
longing for deaths final boast.
Your presence never gracing again,
my heart......now a distant ghost.
Emotionless I stand here with no life,
a puppet on a set of strings.
Awaiting for master to take me away,
hoping death is the worst he brings.
In a room of glass shattering silence,
with my shadow I stand alone.
Abandoned, left behind, thrown away,
like a dog with a rotten bone.
All hope a faded memory,
all light a forgotten dream.
Loneliness....my only achievement,
comforting..it now seems!

my bad side:\

with bloody knuckles i tear into the room
beating on the walls the stains of my frustrations left as proof
just as my eyes see myself inside a reflection..
i crumble to the ground... in shame
yet again i have become an uncontrolable me
beyond love.... past care.. and hope
its been years since i've let this side of myself out
when will it be chained away for ever?
when will i be able to be unloved without the violence
with bloody knuckles i wipe my tears

just try to compare me again

cant you be more like

{insert words here}

and the answer is yes

and why the hell do I care

why should I ignore

my bones and soul

for you

who tell me there is nowhere to go

except for filling your hunger

to find my demise

and call it pride

I'll agree to lunch on me

and you can eat your wasted words

depression

So here I am, sitting
Alone in the dark again
so tired of this
I know I have no reason to feel this pain but
Of course I can't stop it now
It's nights like this when
I don't want to hear solutions
And my dreams just tease me
With promises of a better tomorrow
Just not today
And patience isn't one of my virtues
What, you mean this isn't normal for me?
Either I'm damn good at hiding this or
I spend a lot more time than I like to think
Lost in my head
Angst may be fashionable these days, but
I'd much rather be a happy geek

Intro to.... me:?)

Alrighty, hello my freaky darlings.

So i've wanted to make a blog for a long time, and finally i was board enouph to do it.
first went to thoughts dot coooooom.... ya found my mother there... but the thing was... she wasn't really there:( sad huh? but i found out she is here... so i am here. FANTASTIC!

anywho, my name is Joshua James Hartman, i am 18 years old. i am in love with music. i also enjoy longboarding and snowboarding, hanging out with friends and other such junk.
i wanted this blog to keep in touch with my mother since i am basically moved out with my girlfriend nowdays and i miss her. everytime i stop by the house she is at work or something.
i will use this blog for that, to update people about whats going on... and to post poetry, please don't think my poetry has anything to do with my current state of mind, i mean some of them yes but the depressing ones are from past relationships and past events, i may not be proud of them... i may not even believe them to be true anymore, but they were at one point my true feelings and i'd like you to appreciate that fact, i do love my family and always have, but at times i was missled to beleive that they didn't love me back and some of my poetry will show that.

love you guys, and now i will post away.